I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
