Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
