they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
