I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
