i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
