im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
