I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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