According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
