Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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