My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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