Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
