If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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