you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
