he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
