just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
