I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
