You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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