it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
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It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
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Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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