i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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