I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
