Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
