If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My penis needs a shock collar
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
