apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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