I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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