Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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