Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
