It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
