Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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