I understand Curling. That high.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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