He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
