So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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