I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
