I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
