He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
