were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
