My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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