I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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