im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
