I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
God, I missed his penis.
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