So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
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We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
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I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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