Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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