the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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