I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
