he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
