Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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