she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
