I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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