Why are handjobs necessary in class?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
