I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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