i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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