I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
