after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
