as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
