when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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