Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
